unpopular shouldn't be a thing [flashback to highschool]

We all have that moment in our lives in which we go from being "enough" to being "not enough". When we were little, we never wondered if we were skinny enough, smart enough, cute enough, funny enough, thoughtful enough, pretty enough. We were just...enough. We had our little friends and our little make believe worlds and that was enough. Then something shifted. Maybe it was going to school and learning that there is such a thing as "popular" and "unpopular" and realizing that it's not enough to be you. Maybe it was the time when your very first crush decided to like someone else and you looked around and came to the conclusion that you were very far away from being enough. 

I went from being enough to being not enough in 8th grade. I was home schooled up until then and I had no idea that I was in the middle of my awkward stage. I was embarrassed to talk about boys and I thought that blue eye shadow was cute on me. I never even considered the idea that maybe I wasn't as smart as other people. I was fine. In 8th grade I found out that there were girls who were prettier and boys didn't like me back. I threw away my blue eye shadow. I failed my math tests. And just like that, I wasn't enough. 

It was hard at first, but then it got easier. Girls were prettier than me? I'd pretend to be friends with them and then stab them in the back and just like that, I was on the top. Boys didn't like me back? Figure out what I was doing wrong, and fix it. Even if it meant being somebody completely different than myself. Failed my math tests? I must be stupid. Time to act like a ditz and pretend I don't care. 

And it worked. Soon I was one of the pretty girls, boys liked me, and my math teacher didn't. And that was high school. A fake smile, a crumpled up math test, a first kiss, and as many shallow sentences as I could put together in my distracted, sad, and very lonely state of mind.

And then it was over and I graduated and I traveled the world and I came home and I still 

wasn't pretty enough

wasn't skinny enough

didn't have enough friends

didn't have enough energy

wasn't changed enough

wasn't spiritual enough

etc. etc. etc. etc. 

and I am sitting on my couch and thinking to myself when will I be enough? 

My years in high school taught me that if you aren't the best, you aren't enough.

Can't solve that math problem? Not smart enough. 

Didn't get into the best college? Eh, not good enough. 

This is actually more of a fling...you actually want a commitment? Not pretty enough.

Those years molded my mindset and I'm sad that nearly every single one of my peers contributed to the negative way that I view myself. I change outfits constantly because I don't know if I look okay. I joke about my math skills but still want to cry when I think about all those tests. I remember the day I graduated with beautiful clarity because it was freeing. Ever since that day, I've been on a journey. In order to be enough, whatever that means, I have to believe that I have the ability to be everything I am meant to be. I don't have what it takes to be that girl who looks like she has it all together, or that friend who gets all A's and somehow got all the talent in the world. I have what it takes to be me. And slowly but surely I'm learning to accept that it doesn't matter if I'm not ______ enough for someone who has no idea who I am.

 I know who I am, my family and closest friends know who I am, Jesus knows who I am. And I love me, and they love me, and He loves me. And that, my friends, is WAY more than enough. 

and you're enough. 

and we're enough. 

and i want everyone to look back on those moments when they felt like they weren't enough

and write them down on a piece of paper

and step on them

and rip them apart

and burn them

and leave them out in the rain to wash away

and throw them away

and forget them

and i want you to know that you're beautiful

and you're enough

and we're enough. 

[blog post inspired by abercrombie&fitch stating that they cater to beautiful people and if you aren't beautiful, you aren't allowed to wear their clothes. what a messed up world we live in, if a person appoints himself the decider of who is beautiful and who is not. that's not allowed. you're not allowed to make people feel ugly because every person is beautiful end of story.]