i didn't go to africa for you.

Our lives are filled with circumstances and experiences that change us. Sometimes those occasions are tiny ones, like going on a walk in the park or having a laugh with some friends. Other times, those moments are big ones like losing a family member, having a baby, or getting married. The tiny ones we don't remember as the times that changed us (but we're changed because of them nonetheless). The bigger ones we always keep close to our hearts as the times that changed the person that we were into the person that we are. Either way, when we go to sleep at night we are a different version, a new variation, of who we were when we woke up that morning. 

My life, like any other life, has been full of mile markers - experiences that I recall as "the time that changed me" or "the moment that turned my life around completely". My decision to go to Africa and the actual action of traveling across the world has been, undoubtedly, one of those experiences. Just recently I had a conversation with a friend back at home about the person I was when I left for Africa and the person I am now. He told me that he doesn't see a big change in me and that he hoped I would have grown a little more in my relationship with God and that he wished my time in Africa had actually changed the way I view the world. Another friend, in another conversation, told me that he hopes I'm not a completely different person when I come home and that I'm just the same as I was when I left. 

Not surprisingly, both of these conversations left me feeling a bit dazed and confused and, I admit, slightly angry. So often in our lives we feel like we should change (or not change) for other people and so often we're told that we should never change for anyone else and that nobody truly expects us to change as much as we think they do. But it's not true. People want us to change for them and I will tell you right now that I want to change for people. I want to be the person everyone wants me to be and I want to make people happy. But it's impossible! If one person tells me they wish I had changed more and another person tells me  they hope I haven't changed, one person will end up disappointed in who I am which will leave me feeling like, obviously, a disappointment. 

After I had each of these conversations with each of these people, I took a step back and asked myself some questions. Did I go to Africa for either of these friends? No, I went for me and I went to serve a school in Africa and I went for God. If either of these people are disappointed in me when I come home, are they really my friends? I don't think so. Friends are supposed to love me for who I am and speak out of love if they see something that's not right. My experience in Africa changed me. I will come home a changed person. But I won't come home a different person or a transformed person. I'm still me. I still struggle with reading my Bible every day, but I love the Lord more than I did when I left. I still love Starbucks and hot showers, but I appreciate them way more than I did before I went to Africa. My guess is that over the time I've been gone, I'm not the only one who's changed. Each of you have gone through your own adventures and times of trouble and of joy and you've come through a changed person, too. We're all changed and we're all going to keep changing. I just want to encourage you to change for yourself and change for God and change in every way that is pleasing and beautiful to the Lord. Don't change for other people, or you'll be a mess of conflicted emotions and feelings and soon you'll lose who you are. 

Anyways. All that to say, we're all constantly changing. I'm sorry if I haven't changed enough and I'm sorry if I've changed too much, but you're going to have to deal, just like I promise to deal with you. We're all in a mess of a world and if we all expect each other to change to make each other happy then that just makes it messier. Let's speak out of love, encourage change for GOOD and discourage change for BAD. Let's change for ourselves and let's change for our Creator but let's keep the whole "changing-to-make-everyone-happy" thing to a minimum. 

So much LOVE to all of you, my friends. I will see you in 1 week and 6 days! 

XOXOXO

Christie