Today was supposed to be a hot and sunny day. It was
supposed to be the most miserable hot that it could possibly be because today
was the day that we were supposed to go to the beach and swim and cool off. Unfortunately,
the weather didn’t get the memo or God has another plan for the day because we
woke up to pouring rain and got a cup of tea and sat down on the sitting room
couches, prepared for another day of relaxing. And it is so easy to fall into a
rut of complaining and feeling bored and useless now that things have slowed
down. It’s a lot harder to be grateful for this time that I have to just sit
back and enjoy the culture and spend time with Jesus. It’s interesting that the
less I have to do, the more difficult time management becomes. It’s so easy to
let this life of relaxation slowly transform into a life of pure laziness and
in order for that not to happen, I need to make sure I’m using my time wisely
instead of just letting it waste away. So I’m writing a blog post.
These past two months (yes, two months! I can’t believe so
much time has already passed!) have given me a lot of time inside of my head. I've been by myself a lot. For those of you who know me, being alone turns me into a
melancholy person who over thinks everything and I hate it. So it’s been a
stretching experience, to say the least. And I have had so much time to think.
When something happens that irritates me, I don’t just get irritated. I wonder
why it irritates me and I spend time thinking about it until I've figured out
why I’m irritated. I've read the Lord of the Rings series, the Hobbit, two
volumes of Sherlock Holmes, and various other books since I have been here and I've grown accustomed to being alone. I’m not saying that I don’t spend time with
the kids, because I do. When I say “alone”, I mean that I have nobody to relate
to, to share my feelings with, so it’s just me and the Lord. During this time, I've had a lot of time to think about me and my relationship with the Lord. And I have discovered a few things. And I’m going to share them with you. My blog is a way
for me to process my thoughts and feelings so that’s why I’m writing this. I
might not even post it. But I probably will. Anyway, here it goes.
1.
1. Christians baffle me. When a relationship
between a boy and a girl is concerned, to say “I love you” is the biggest deal
ever. It means engagement. It means marriage. It means together forever. And if
you don’t plan on all of that, then you better not even be in a relationship,
much less say “I love you.” And I’m not saying that all that’s a bad thing. To
say that you love someone is a big deal. Because I grew up in a school of
classical education, I’m aware of all the different forms of love there are. I’m
talking about the romantic love, the Valentine’s-Day-chocolate-and-flowers kind
of I Love You. Anyway, Christians tend to each have their own strong opinion
about how relationships should be and when the appropriate time to declare love
for one another is. But when it comes to a relationship with Jesus, they absentmindedly
sing worship songs declaring their own love for Jesus and praying prayers full
of love without even really thinking about what they’re saying. (I’m not saying
that you don’t truly love Jesus, don’t
worry, I’m just speaking out of observation). If I spend a year in a relationship
with a boy and I say that I ‘m in love with him, there might be discussions,
doubt, advice, and warnings given to me by many Christians. However, if I
walked up to the front of the church after really focusing on my relationship with
the Lord for only a few months and said I was in love with Him, I would be met
with a round of applause and maybe a few tears of joy in the congregation. And
that baffles me. The process of falling in love, whether with a significant
other or with Jesus, is just that. A process. You don’t accept Jesus into your
heart and suddenly fall in love with Him. At least I don’t. And that’s been a
revelation that I have just had. I’ve always felt like I should love Jesus immediately
before even getting to know Him and I’ve just now realized that it’s not like
that. Right now, I hardly know Him. To say that I’m in love with Him would be a
lie, because I need to really know Him first, just like any other relationship.
I don’t know. It’s just been a surprising discovery that I’ve had.
2. Another thing I’ve discovered that it doesn’t
matter how far away I stray from Jesus, He’s always going to be a central part
of who I am. I was raised in a Christian home and for some reason, when I try
to run from Jesus, He’s still there. When I arrived in Africa, He was my
lifeline. He still is. He’s been my “rebound” countless times. When a
relationship ends, when I have no one else to turn to, when I’m experiencing a
tragedy-He’s the one I turn to. I was just talking about how falling in love is
the same with Jesus as with any other boy, but I just meant the process.
Everything else is different. Because with a guy, being a rebound isn’t
endured. Being the one that I fall back on when there’s no one else is the
worst. But Jesus is just glad that I spend time with Him and He’s willing to
wait it out. He’s forever, He’s never letting go. And that’s what makes all the
difference. He’ll always be part of my core because He’ll always be there for
me to come back to. I know that sounds like a mess. Like He’s content just to
be the last one I turn to for the rest of my life, but that’s not what I’m
saying. I’m saying that as many times as I run away, He’ll be there waiting
until the day comes when I truly fall for Him and won’t have anyone else. I’m
in the process, heading towards that day now…I’m just not there yet.
And that’s all I really feel like writing about right now.
Just two observations I’ve made about my own personal relationship with Jesus.
I’m excited to see what lies ahead for me and Jesus and I know that in this
next month of relaxation I will experience Him in a whole new way and I’m ready
for it. God bless you all this holiday season. I missed Thanksgiving but PTL
Christmas is a big deal here. I’ve never experienced an African Christmas and I
don’t know that I ever will again so bring it on.
Christie,
ReplyDeleteI am blessed and encouraged to see your growth in your relationship with Christ and your desire to continue! That speaks volumes about you and your character. I am praying for you that you may be more like Him as you get to know Him.
-Andrew
thank you for your prayers - life here isn't easy but i definitely think it will all be worth it in the long run.
ReplyDeleteI KNOW it will be worth it! Just keep your focus on Christ and the end game.
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